Starting over, and over, and over...

I’m tired of leaving it in my partners hands to do the right thing and treat me right. I need to grow up and love and respect myself enough to make sure others respect me.

I’m so impacted by glee episode ‘props’ when dot tells cooter she’s leaving him, he says the all too familiar line “who’s going to love you?” Or something close and she replies “me” I burst in to tears on that line it was so powerful. I need that kind of courage. I’m starting to realize everyone I date cheats on me because I’m cheating on me. I need to commit to myself and love myself. This could take years I could be alone forever but at least I’d be happy. This is a scary thought. Doing brave things is scary.

I’m so humiliated. I have been wearing some of the sane clothes since as far back as 6th grade! I’m now a 22 year old mom and decided it was time to let go and start fresh I wiped out 90% of my clothing and decided to take it all to Plato’s closet. For those who don’t know Plato’s closet is a store that buys and trades used clothing. As I walked in withthe clothes that up until today I had been wearing daily I immediately got looks from all the employees. As they went through my clothing the teens behind the counter started making fun of my stuff and talking shit. I was so embarrassed. So now I’m in the car because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to hold back the tears. Thankfully Zack offered to stand there so I didn’t.have yo endure any more ridicule. The outfit I wore YESTERDAY was in that pile and they were blown away than anyone would wear that in yhr past 5 years. I know I may not be the most up to date when it cones to trends and fashion but I didn’t think I looked like a rag doll when I left the house?! I’m so upset. I was already anxiety ridden enough getting rid of my things and now to be insulted was just salt to the wound. I have had to earn and buy my own clothes since 6th grade. Every item in my closet was earned out of hard work. I did not get to go on shopping sprees with my mom every school year like most kids did. And yet I was still presentable, or so I thought.:(

Parenting and love.

I would just like to say that I admire even envy people who made the choice to leave. Growing up in an abusive home that eventually led to me being on my own at 16 and completely abandoned by 19 I would say that it is better to be an absent parent than a really shitty one. The most responsible and selfless decision you can make for your child is to find better suited parents than yourself. I talked to everyone I knew about adoption and they all said I’d fall in love and not want to let her go etc. I did not want to be a mother, her father didn’t want to be a dad. Her father was pressured in to fileing for custody by his mother and I was pressured into fighting back to keep her. In that huge struggle to get something I never even wanted I gained a huge amount of clarity. I realized that no matter what anyone thought of me the best thing I could have ever done for my daughter would have been to give her up. I could have been called a whore and selfish and immature and a whole slew of other things but none of it would have mattered as long as I had the comfort in know my beautiful baby girl was in a good home. Now that is selfless love. Not keeping something you know you can’t take care of. But now its too late we are dug in too deep every parenting.move I make is under contract with the state and with her father and she’s two years old and she loves me. I love her too and that’s why I feel guilty keeping her. Staying no matter what, that’s awful. Staying even though you know you are incapable of being all that she needs you to be is worse than leaving. I am a mother and I love my baby, and for the past two years of her life not a day has gone by where I didn’t look into her big blue eyes and feel the pit.of guilt in my heart growing knowing because I was selfish and kept her she will never have what she deserves. I don’t ever think that feeling will go away. EVER. No one ever admits this about parenting. No one ever says you just can’t do it. No one ever says their proud of the mom who gave her baby away. No mom ever admits to wishing she had. I do. Take it how you will but in my heart I know its the most selfish decision I have ever made in my entire life. I will forever regret the day I said I’d keep her. Even if she’s the most successful woman in the world someday, I will always feel responsible for every struggle she had ever had. That is a hard burden to carry. This guilt I feel is what tells me I TRULY love her.